Guess who got stuck with the job? Just when you think that its safe to go out again ZAPPIIII/1/1! As I recall the events went something. like this. “ Hello Keith , Tam not feel- ing to good at the moment as J have done my back in” REPLY ...0oou." Ha-Ha-Ha you stupid ‘sod, faney doing that” “ Yes it is really painful (sob-ob) 1 have just retumed from the physio- therapists, she says I will probably never be able to climb Mont Blonc again , would you be so kind as to give my apologies at the meeting tonight ? Oh by the way if anyone asks 1 do_not wish to stand for any elected office.” REPLY .ssossm "Oh 1 am sorry to here that , maybe it's because you are such 4 fat git that your spine cannot take the weight anymore. “ “Thanks Keith, goodnight.” (THE FOLLOWING EVENING) Rigo. RING. oe "Hi there it's Ralph, noticed that you were not at the ‘meeting last night but Kelth said it would be OK to put you down for a: THANKS A LOT KEITH !11!!! Anyway cnough frivolity, first of all 1 ‘am sure that I speak for everyone in ‘thanking all the people who have been involved in the running of the club ‘over the last year. Some people are still doing the same job, while others have passed on the torch after years of sterling service. ‘Thank you all for a job well done. Tam sure you will forgive me for sin- C.CP.C. Newsletter for March 1996 sling out one person from so many, but as T am now donning the mantle of editor [feel that a special vote of thanks should go to ‘Cody’ for an excellent job of producing the ‘News- letters” in the past. He will be a hard act to follow, so T do not intend to ty. Instead I shall attempt to bring some~ thing of my own style to the “Newslet- ter’ which I hope you will approve of. Most of us have serious jobs in the real world and my idea of a hobby is something you enjoy doing Thave a tendency to see humour in ‘most things and no doubt that will be reflected here and there in the newslet- ters, however serious matter’s will not be trivialized. I hope that they will be ‘enjoyable to read and a point of con- tact for those members who cannot ‘make it to the meetings. The last thing, want is to be the main contributor to it’s contents, or to scour loads of magazines in desperation in order to fill several pages of things that L may think are interesting, but I am more than willing to be the recipient of all ‘or any items you wish to send me and will gladly EDIT your contributions and try to produce interesting ‘News- letters’ Please send me anything that you may consider of interest to the rest of the club, it may be an account of a good trip, something amusing or serious that has happened to you, good advice or information, interesting facts, ood places to buy things from, cheap or excellent accommodation for holidays or trips. items wanted or for sale. in- teresting photographs (not those rude pictures that I sometimes inadvertently ‘come across on the internet) , sketches ‘of routes or rigging , the list is end- less, To make things easy you may ei- ther (1) post to my address. (2) speak to me on the telephone (3) telephone me at work if its more convenient, remember to ask for me, say you are from the caving club (otherwise I may think you are trying to sell me some- thing). (4) put an item onto a floppy disk using aay of the Microsoft “WORD” programmes. (5) Fax me ‘your article (Write ‘caving club" on top of page). oF (6) Just give me the item at the next meeting. If you send photographs or sketches try to re- member that I have to reproduce them in black and white so a good contrast is important. Don't worry if your arti- cle, photo, sketch etc. is a bit tatty it is ‘often possible to doctor it alittle, likewise you do not have to be literary gonius to have items included, just give me the bones of the article and we can kick it around, Now having said all that...... PLEASE do not feel offended if you submit an item and it is not used, don't think sod him, I sent him something and he didn’t use it” There may be many rea- sons, some items are best retained until you have enough to make an article from them, while others may not be suitable at that particular time, other items that have a good shelf life can be held back to fill in when things are quiet. So please post items to me, T.G. Smith, 6, Milton Crescent, Talke, S-O-T. Staffs. ST7 1PF Phone me at home on 01782-785893 ‘At work on 01538-373116 Fax me on 01538-373141 ‘That's it then, so here goes. pepereerenecrenteresest ig] First of all here is a brief resum’ee of the minutes taken at the A.G.M. 8-30 p.m, on the 8th, January 1996 (1) Chairman's Report: by Brian, a busy year with plenty of trips, but ‘some trips were not supported by club members. (2) Secretary's Report: by Mark, noth- ‘ng much to report, but a question was raised as to whether the club insurance is up to date. This needs to be checked. (3) Treasurer’s Report: by John Shen- ton, a full report was made detailing. income, expenditure, balance etc. The cclub finances are healthy. (£1086 spent 1 £1402 received) A FULL REPORT IS INCLUDED ELSEWHERE IN THIS NEWSLET- TER (A) Training Officer: Sharon would like somcone else to take this on. Some suggestions were made, but this ‘was not resolved. (5) Meets Secretary: Darren is willing {o carry on, but again raised the issue ‘of members not supporting club meets. (6) Newsletter Editor: Tracy can no longer continue due to pressure of work. Terry was suggested a5 a re- placement, although he was not present so this is not confirmed. (See editorial, Ed.) (7) Tackle Officers: Ralph reported that his store had ‘miles’ of rope, and a few ladders plus an assortment of hangers etc.. Mark's store is also well stocked. Ralph mentioned that the ‘Club has been offered 450° of new ‘Omm) Beale rope for £100, but as this rope is not well liked this is not being taken up. (8) The above officers were accepted for the coming year, subject to the points made in 4 and 6, (9) Membership Fees: Following the resolution made at the A.G.M. held in January 1995, the club fees were raised by ‘the rate of inflation’ as agreed. ‘This was taken to be an increase of 0p. on each category of membership. Discussion concerning reducing the umber of categories of membership to ‘two (Full and Concessionary) was put of until the next AGM. (1997), as the required prior notice had not been given. (10) There being no other business, the meeting was closed, Article contributed by Colin Knox Bepereeverrveteterrerertrers before the end of March 1996 You will save as follows. Joint Membership £31.00 (£26) Save £5.00, Full Membership £19.50 (£15.50) Save, £4.00 Associ- ate Membership (no vote) £15.50 (13.50) Save £2.00, Junior Member- ship £13.50 (£11.50) Save £2.00, Pupil Membership £9.50 (£8.50) Save £1,00, Student Membership £13.50 (£11.50) Save £2.00, Unem- ployed Members £9.50 (£8.50) Save £1.00 It is proposed that at the next AGMall categories other than Joint Oh by the way, we also gave Nigel a contribution to his A, Store segs Ss and Full memberships will be ra- tionalised at one new rate. THE ACCOUNTS OF CRE THOLING CLUB 1995 DI os Newsletter e a Guide Expenses aia Eanes 465 . 50 ene 10.76 Subscriptions eo Bolt Fund 284 0 Book 40.00 7086 . 22 Membership 577.00 Guide 535 . 95 Gear Hire 67.00 Sales (Gear) 185 . 00 Badges/Stickers 5.00 Clothing 30. 00 Journal 3.00 1402 . 95] Income for 1995 = £1402-95 Expenditure for 1995 = £1086-22 Leaving = £316-73 on the year. Cash in hand plus money in the bank left a Balance of £561-55_ We also have money on deposit. CAVING TRIPS 13th. Jan. 1996 Water Icicle Close Cavern, NGR 1610 6460 This was intended to get the year off on the right foot by actually getting out and doing something. I collected John Preston and Tim Campbell and we set off, intending to look at a choked rift in North-west Passage of Water Icicle. We had the usual drama of following the wrong farm track out of Monyash, and then, having found the right track, we had to abandon the car a little short of the track-end due to iced grass ! The top of the shaft has been stabilised since our last visit (years ago), and we appreciate the hard work put in. There is a single, fixed scaffold pole across the shaft, but unfortunately no back-up belay point in the concrete, so you need a second rope to back- up to the nearest tree, about 20m. away (or take an extra long rope to rig the shaft). It is a good, clean, dry shaft, with enough room to be comfort- able, without being intimidating, despite its depth of 32m.. There are many spits placed in the shaft walls, but the only ones I thought necessary were two placed about 6m. from the shaft bottom, where the shaft breaks into the roof of the natural passage. I used them for a “Y” hang, where a couple of small ledges make the change-over comfortable. We were happily taking photographs when Ralph and Sharon arrived. During the fol- lowing three hours we explored the three main passages, and the many small shafts and tubes that have been excavated over the years (YES, some- one had already dug out ‘my’ choked rift, and NO, it didn’t lead through into a vast extension !) The most dramatic area is the aven at the end of North-west passage, where a fixed rope leads up a shattered wall to the base of a suspended boulder choke. There was a second rope/cable hanging down, that we had been happily pulling on, which we discovered was tied to the key-stone holding the choke in place ! We left the area very care- fully indeed. Climbing up in the Great Rift we got high enough to be surrounded by dangling tree roots, with our back-up belay somewhere over- head. More crawling down digs, no more photos (dead camera), and we were back at the shaft and were able to exit without difficulty, Steve Knox Monyash Dorbyuhire WATER ICICLE CLOSE CAVERN Estponrornone cous] 9/10 For effort Steve, good composition and not to¥any spelling mistakes, but map making needs a little more attention to detail. (J have always wanted to do that, Ed.) 3 I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO INCLUDE A COPY OF OUR CLUB RULES SO THAT EVERY MEMBER HAS A COPY. IF YOU THINK THAT THERE ARE RULES THAT SHOULD BE CHANGED OR MODIFIED, PLEASE RAISE YOUR ‘TO THE NEXT AGM. VIEWS AT ONE OF THE MEETINGS PRIOR CREWE CLIMBING AND POTHOLING CLUB RULES. i ing Chub, (2) The Clab shall be called the Crewe Climbing amd Pothol- (&) The Club is established to provide the opportunity for un- ‘dergroand exploration and its associated scences, climbing and assoct- ‘ated activities. Inthe furthering ofthese objectives the club may ar- range some recreational and money raising activities for the benefit of ‘the cub, 2a) The officers of the club shall be:- Chairman, Secretary, Treas- ‘urer one or two Equipment Officers and raining Officer. The Off- ‘cers of the Club shal be clected at the Annual General Meeting and ‘subject to termination of office by resignation or otherwise shall re- ‘ain in office until their successors are appointed st the Annoal Gen- eral Meeting following their appointment. The retiring Officers shall be eligible far reelection. (©) —_ All members shail be Hable upon any contract entered into and for any financial Uabililes incurred by an Officer of the Club ‘upon the express authorisation of the Club members and far these [parposes the Officers of the Club aball be agents of the Club and of all the members, a Every candidate for membership shall be proposed by # ‘member ofthe Club and the election shall be at the discretion of the ‘ub members. ey (2) No person under the age of 18 years may apply far fal ‘membership of the Club. Persons under the age of 18 years who hve passed their 16th birthday may apply for Junior membership. Junior ‘members mast be sponsored by a full member, at no time may a full ‘member be acting #8 # sponsor for more than one Junior member. ‘Junior merubers will pay fees 2s for students but have no voting pow ‘era but may attend meetings. Parental consent most be given in writ- ‘ing with euch application. Associate members shall have the same rights as Juntor members, s ‘The Club members shall have the power to request any ‘member to resign of to terminate any membership but for the purpose ff ths rule, agreement of not leas than twa thirds of the whole Ciub shall be necessary. Upon termination of membership under this rule ‘the mabscription pald for the current year and in the case of a member ‘ho has been elected during the curreat year, the entrance fee, may be returned to the member wholly or in part at the discretion of the Cla ‘members. 6 (Cost of Membership (@)——_Amentrance fee, a5 agreed at each Annual General Meeting, shall be payable by each person upon his or her election to the mem bership of the Club, which Inchades » Club badge, membership card, copy of the Ciub rules and « current membership ist. The entrance fee shall be payable withthe fist subscription. No candidate who has ‘been elected u member shall be entitled to the privileges of membership ‘ntl payment of the entrance fee and the frst animal subscription has ‘been paid. If fees are not paid within one month after notice of elec- ‘dan has been given the election shall be void. @) Am annual subscription, ws fixed at each Anmual General “Meeting shall be payable by all members upoa the Ist Jamaary exch ‘and every Year. Payment of the entrance fee and annual subscription 4 lby any person accepted as n member after Ist October in any year shall cover his membership to the 31st December in the following year, ‘nithour farther payment of subscriptions. New members joining be- fore Ist October in any year shall pay ‘pro rata’ forthe remaining months of the year. 2 ‘The Club cannot be held Mable for any personal injury or damage to the property of any member whatever the cause ofthe in- ury or damage. a ‘The members shall have the power to alter the rules, but no ‘such alteration shall take effect until the same has been confirmed at ‘the Anivaal General Meeting or a Special General Meeting convened ‘for the purpose. a “The members shall have power to make regulations govern- Ing the conduct and affuirs of the Club and its members providing the same are not inconsistent with these rules. 10, A General Meeting ofthe Club shail be held in each year not later than the end of January to transmit the following basiness:- (@) __To.consider and, if approved, sanction any duly made al- Aeration to the rules. ©) —__Torreceive and if approved, adopt a statement of the Clubs ‘accounts of the previous year. (©) To appoint the officers of the Chub. (@) —_Todeal with any special matter which « member may wish ‘to bring before the Chub members notice convening the Annual Gen- ral Meeting shall be sent to the members not less than 21 days before meeting. A Special General Meeting may be convened at any time by rT the members forthe following purposes:- (@) —_To-consider and, if approved, sanction any duly made al- ‘erations to the rules. ‘To deal with any special matter, Inchading the expalsion of = member. (©) _ To receive the resignation of an Officer or to remove any mem- ber from office and to fill nny vacancy or vacancies caused thereby. Notice covering this Special General Meeting shall be sent to the men bers not les than 14 days before the meeting and shall specify the mat- ‘ter to be dealt with. 12, At General Meetings, one third ofthe membership shall form» quorum. 13, ___Instruction:- The Club shall be empowered to appoint salt- able Clab members to carry out instruction on its behalf. A committee ‘conalsting of exiting instructors shall consider application for “In structor and Assistant Instructor’. ‘These rules are as amended by the Annus General Meeting, January 1983, WARNING! DODGEY ANCHORS The following correspondence was recieved regarding LITTLE HULL POT From Les Sykes of the N.C.A According to our records your before use and subsequent loading, club has booked a permit for the it should also be backed up with above cave for 1996. further anchor points. Unlike the Eco There have been a number of anchor there is no liability insurance failures involving the “MB self with the MB anchor, it is the respon- drilling anchor’ in Little Hull Pot, { sibility of each caver to check the an- ‘The failures have occurred in the chor and placement before loading. lower traverse on the second \ ‘The C.N.C.C. has programmed Little pitch, this traverse should be Hull Pot into the anchor replacement deemed unsafe and the high level programme for early 1996, you are traverse as indicated (opposite) asked NOT to place additional or re- can be an alternative, it must be placement MS” anchors. stressed that these anchors have = ct Good Caving not been tested. You are reminded RRS Kees Lees Sykes that the ‘M8 self drilling anchor’ ae should be thoroughly checked C.C.2.C, IN TH Ba / ‘The following is an extract from the DCA Annual Report For 1995 presented to the AGM on the 3rd February 1996. ony ‘The Association's Balance at the end of the financial year ‘was approximately £420 down on the previous year, in part accounted for by the ex- cess expenditure on the ‘Bolt Fund’, whose deficit of over £150 is being met by the general ac- count for the tinte being. At one point in the year this deficit rose as high as £400 but further income from the *Peak Rigging Guide’ has helped to reduce it. In fact this is a tribute to the energy and hard work of those who have been installing hangers this year - a tremendous effort which deserves our thanks. Those involved see the end of the task in sight now with all the major sites nearly completed and little more remaining to be done other than a few minor sites and matintenance. (Unless someone spoils it by finding another “Big One’. ) Income will continue to come from sales of the ‘Peak Rigging Guides’ and the Association owes a particular debt of gratitude to the ‘Crewe CPC. for their initiative in producing this and making the profit available to the DCA ‘Bolt Fund’, Jenny Potts 7/1/1996 5 ‘The following is a list of things for sale. I thought it would be a good idea to have a section in the newsletter cover- ing Items for Sale, Hems Wanted, Swap’s or For Free. As usual Ralph has been able to start me off, but I must confess to being slightly suspicions of the first item, it reads as follows :~ “Drink containers, Simply stick the flexible bag into your tackle sack or into the top pocket of your rucksack, Jeave the poly pipe accessible so that drinks are om tap so to speak. Offers please for these second hand items (one owner, little used) Similar items from outdoor shops will cost you the earth. Money back if not satisfied” Now call me a sceptical b*****d but the only bag that Ralpk kas carried lately had N.H.S. stamped on it, and even he could not persuade somebody else to carry that one for him !!!! I think he is taking the p**s (Ed) The next items look genuine enough, I hope !!!! Yc Guero for my planned invasion of Biddulph Moor. Ex German Army, ‘Gortex’ bib and brace cover trousers (As used at Stalingrad) Only £38 per pair, any size available. New fleece lined mitts £11 per pair. New sweat shirts, £10 each. Chemical suits £10 New rugby shirts, £10 each. Gloves £1-50 Fleece trousers £5 per pair ‘F’ cells £6.50 IT’S PARTY TIME Eldon Stomp 16TH OF MARCH §&-OO Till LATE AT ..... BULL IN’ THORN WITH "ZZ BIRMINGHAM” TICKETS AT £3-00 FROM BOB DEARMAN ROLLUP FOR THE MYSTERY TOUR RESCUE PRACTICE ON THE 10th OF MARCH MEET UP AT THE CAR PARK FOR P.8. (JACKPOT) AT 10 A.M. Ralph informs me that the venue of this rescue is a sur- prise, he would do wouldn't he?, Possibly to allay the fears of all us silly sods who spent over four hours attempting to negotiate the sarcophagus of “King Tutankhamun’ all the way out from the first pitch in P.8, a couple of years back, (actually it was that red plastic stretcher from D.C.R.O. but I still think my first descrip- tion is more accurate). The last time ‘Dee’ was the vic- tim, and we nearly succeeded in drowning her on the way out. Ralph assures me that the rescue is not in P.8, this Well not exactly, I was rather put out to discover that they said “running up” instead. What am I on about? why the B.BCs reconstruction of the rescue at ‘Mandale Mine” for the ‘Police 999" series to be shown sometime in March/April. Now I do not wish to denigrate the efforts ‘of everyone who tumed up on the day, my own contribu- tion to the rescue was to arrive in time to eat a portion of _fish pie with beef gravy as served up by those connois- seur's of good food, the ‘Fire Brigade Catering Comps’. Thankfully the rescue went well and after ripping the top off the capped “engine shaft” the lads who had entered through the ‘sough* made contact and walked them out. I can only speak for myself but as 1 recall it was a far cry from the ‘RECONSTRUCTION’ that went something like snow, in the middle of December, Knot- low Mine, opening the lid on the 210”. E’ryou do know that it was the middle of the hottest time and when asked he indicated that Keith and I would fit into it OK. Now incredible as it may seem, ‘Dee’ has volunteered again, this is her third time at being strapped info a stretcher and roughly handled by men in weird clothing, I am beginning to worry about her. I can still recall her plaintiff cries as we struggled to pass the stretcher through a particularly awkward section in the freezing cold stream bed in Poole Cavem “ Keith can you ‘get your tackle out of my face? ” a reference I hope to his LIGHTS ! CAMERA ! ACTION ! summer on record and it was a solid concrete cap that had to be hacked to pieces, and not a stee! lid that you can ‘open ?”.“ Yes yes, but my mother is hardly likely 10 ‘know that is she ? ° came the reply from our “director At this point my belief in the integrity of the Beeb was shattered, can this be trie, would it not follow the truth to the ‘enth’ degree ? no it bloody well wouldn't, we had firemen lifting lids in fields, while erstwhile potholer’s strolled onto the scene as if by accident. The final straw for me was when our ‘director’ asked Kev if he wouldn't normally have a 7Ib sledge hammer with him ! and duly dispatched him down the shaft with one on his back. What next ? no, don’t fell me, we all fail miserably in our attempt to rescue the trapped youths, but by a miracle, ‘Snow White and the seven dwarfs who have been en- tombed in the mine, have dug themselves free and come across the youths and lead them to safety, anyway that’s how I think it will end but I could be mistaken, at least the fish pie wasn’t bad but the gravy. ug MEETS LIST UNTIL END OF JULY 1996 | March 16th Gaping Gill April 6th Nettle Pot April 2ist Little Hull Pot May 4th Rowten Pot May 19th ==* Alum Pot June 16th Ogof Hespalyn June 22nd Hurnel Moss July 6th Swildens Hole July 13th Birks Fell Here is one | did earlier, the ‘Cheese Press’ Long Churn. The above photograph was lifted off the ‘Intemet’ and This one made me chuckle, again it was from the reproduced by kind permission of “Lancaster University ‘States’. ‘Speleological Society’. From time to time Ihave a look Question: "Hi guys, I am shortly going on holiday to at the Caving News groups in the UK and in America France and I was wondering if any of you folks could to see if there is anything interesting going on. The last advise me of a suitable cave to visit, it should have good one from the USA. was about a couple of guys easy access and nol require much equipment as I am ‘who fell 600ft down a disused mine shaft in ‘one of the only on holiday.” ‘Westem states.” The local rescue teams would not at- tempt to retrieve the body's due to the fact that the Reply:- From some rotten sod in Derbyshire who shall timber shoring was falling off the sides all the way remain nameless. down, also large boulders were falling down the shaft. “What about the Terminal Sump in the Berger? ‘They in tum called in the ‘National Mines Rescue” and they deemed it to be in imminent danger of collapse. For anyone interested in the “Internet” the addresses Amazingly. after the rescue teams and the police had are:- left the arca, an uncle and another sclative of the dead cavers borrowed some equipment (from an unknown ALT. CAVING (this is a news group). source) and without any previous experienced absciled WWW.COMP.LANCS.AC.UK (Lancaster University) the 600ft 10 the bottom and successfully retrieved the WWW.SAT:DUNDEE.AC.UK (Dundee University) body 1!!! “1 BET THEY DRINK CARLING BLACK LABEL.” Looking through some old club journals that Ralph kindly loaned to me, I came across some inter- esting stories that should be worth a reprieve. As they date back a year or two it is possible that a lot of people will not have read them. I hope to include a ‘Blast From The Past" story in subsequent newsletters and hope that you enjoy reading them as much as I have. A NEW LIGHTING SYSTEM By Cliff Jones, Volume 2. 1988 ‘The Jones Lighting System started life ‘quite coincidentally one day while I was trying to think of a way I could get my- self a conventional type Carbide Lamp. ‘These lamps have sprung up like mush- rooms in the Caving Club and I was beginning to feel left out. Ideas for raising the money to buy one amourted to 2. Plan A: pawning the now stereo unit. Plan B: putting the Wife on the streets, Plan A got me nowhere as there ‘no pawn shops (Pom - yos; Pawn - no) in Stoke-on-Trent. Plan B got me a thick lip. It was obvious that I couldn't buy a Carbide Lighting system with the funds in my pocket so, as someone once said “Necessity is the Mother of Invention”, and as a good, portable, reliable, easily rechargeable lighting system is neces- sary for the G.B. trip I thought I'd in- vent one. ‘The candle in a jam jar idea was quickly dismissed as the jam jar was still full (the cut-priced, special offer, family sized jar of cocomut and passion fruit flavour was proving not very popular in the Jones household) ‘fy thoughts then tumed to Methane Gas Lighting, but were again quickly dismissed, due mainly to the discomfort caused by the plastic pipe, and the fact that BASS SPECIAL PALE ALE might not be readily available in South East ‘France. ‘Hydro-Electric power was tested, but abandoned. The waterwheel was diffi- cult to mount, and the supply of water ‘was spasmodic, but at last I was getting closer. ‘Two hours in the garage and I finally ‘came up trumps (no, not methane gas again), The basic principle was for 2 slightly magnetized metal plates, one mounted on the inside of each knee, connected to a small belt mounted ac- cumulator. (I can't disclose too many dotals at this stage as the patent is these two metal plates brush together and pass an electric current via the ac- ccumulator, to the headset, and the whole ‘apparatus is earthed through the wearers body. Initial tests proved the theory and a dull low at first brightened to an acceptable beam of light. ‘Suocess!! I mentally pictured the cash rolling in once the device was marketed, and the envious looks I would get from ‘cavers with inferior lighting systems. ‘My joy was cut short abruptly. Due to the earthing system, the apparatus had ‘to be mounted on the skin, so to speak, and wouldn't work if the operator was ‘wearing trousers! | decided that this was a minor setback, and set to work, cutting, snipping and siuing until I was ready once more, re~ splendent in matching wetsuit jacket and SKIRT! I was snore than satisfied, especially with the hem of the skirt, a modest 3” below the knee, the generat- ing plates could not be seen. It was a little later that evening when the doubts began to filter through. Would my mates go caving with me dressed so strangely? Do Butch cavers wear skirts? No, my nerve was weak and I had to come up with something ‘more acceptable. In desperation I took to the bottle (or rather the hand-pump) and consoled myself. Thad just downed ‘iy eighth pint of Tartan when the idea struck “EUREKA!” I shouted. “TARTAN BITTER!” I dashed home as fast as hands and knees could go. Ferreting around in the garage, I soon found what I was after - several half finished tins of paint of assorted col- ‘ours. Before long I sat back and ad- mired my neoprene KILT (of somewhat Gaibious tartan). Who could deny my Scottish heritage (I was born in Stirling) and as long as T. Reynolds didn’t fol- Jow me in any tight crawls or up a lad- der, I was home and dry. ‘The next step was to test my invention {n conditions 1 was likely to meet un- derground, so donning my apparatus I entered the darkened bathroom. | filled the bath with cold water and added a few ice-cubes for good measure. Step- ping in at first was uncomfortable, until the water entered my tartan wet socks and warmed up (I had painted the socks ‘to match the kilt). Rubbing my knees together brought the faint initial glow to the head piece, but bofore the beam penetrated the dark- ness, the icy water reached the parts icy water normally would if one is wearing the kilt in the true Scottish tradition with nowt underneath. 1 leapt out of the bath, howling in agony, clutching what was left of the ‘wedding tackle’ and only after several hours of ministering with warm towels could | persuade any- thing to show again. I went to bed a disconsolate man. Not feeling much like sleep, I reached for something to read. Laying aside “Armchair Gardening’ and “The Water Diviners Weekly’, I picked up an old copy of Playboy and thumbed through the adverts. “EUREKA” (again). ‘The gods had smiled on me again, for there right be~ ‘tween ‘Naughty Nora’ and ‘Buxom Betty” (inflatable chess tutors) was just ‘what I needed. Its normal (?) use was difficult to un- derstand (at first) but suffice it to say ‘that it looked like a cylindrical sponge, about 8” long with a hole running through the middle, and was battery powered. £11.95 was cheap at the price especially as it could be ‘returned if not fully satisfied’. (I've since Jeamned that this means it can be re- turned if it's not fully satisfied). was to allow 28 days for delivery, but the plain brown package dropped through the letterbox three weeks later. I started to work straight away, and threaded a length of heating element around and along the ‘sponge’ and con- nected it to my knee-powered accumu- lator. (The beating element came from am old electric blanket). ‘The warmth given off by the little gismo was more than was necessary and ‘enough to bring a rosy glow to my checks. I should add at this point that I did not alter the original components of the ‘sponge’ and when batteries arc inserted it throbs, vibrates and jiggles about just as itis meant to. The main advantage of this dual role may not be fully real- ised at first so I should explain. Imag- ine, if you can, falling off a ladder and breaking your leg. Obviously you're in trouble, as your light will go out as well. NOTTO PANIC! Insest the bat- teries, turn it on, and by the time the Rescue team arrives you'll be smiling fiom ear to ear! What ORGANisation! Thanks to Chris Faulkner for the typing. ‘Well [ enjoyed it, in the next issue we will have an exiting trip to ‘Axe Hole” and an erie story about using bats for comunication in caves 1111 NB. You will have noticed the lack of ‘echnical data when describing the above lighting system, and you will ap- preciate the reason being that to divulge all now might prejudice the pending patent. Negotiations are about to start with Phil Brown, who I hope will stock Neoprene Kills at Caving Supplies in assorted tartans, but applications for the actual lighting system should be made direct to me. with a starter at extra cost. And Finally Don't Forget The Christmas De Ralph is pulling his hair out trying to get you lot to tell him if or not you are going to the knees up, so here are the details again. Pull your bloody fingers out and contact him as soon as possible. Venue = Rudyard Lake Hotel which is within staggering distance of the ‘Sea Scout Sailing Site” where accommodation can be made available for those who do not want to drive, for the absolutely ludicrous price of £40 for the bunkhouse, divided by the number of people sharing it. Tickets for the do are £9.50} “There's a grotty little bunkhouse 10 the north of Kathmandu, There's a load of drunken cavers in the town. And puking in the lake we have that bunch of s**ts from Crewe. While the sleet, and hail, and rain, are pi***ng down.” With apologies to Rudyard Kipling Well that’s it for this one, sorry it was a bit thin, but I need your input, I hope you enjoyed the style, if not, say so and give me an indication of how you want future newsletters to be. As Keith said when he read it “Once you put it down, you find it hard to pick up.” Thanks Keith. Good caving, Eid. 10